The Truth Behind Freelancing

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Recently I wrote a super positive blog post on freelancing, which was quite brilliant. Today I want to share with you the dark side of walking this self-employment path, the side that no-one really wants to admit to. It’s been a long grey winter, cold and stacked full of illnesses. I would never usually utter this word but the….. Conservatives… have been making the decisions in this country for long enough for it to impact most people that I care about. Arts cuts that were made and continue being made, make me feel like I am lucky to be floating on the single plank I have hold of. The rest of the ship was sunk a while ago, some of the wood has been dried out and used for firewood. In my wisdom..cough…cough, I have at this point chosen to commit and commit hard to my arts career and further my specialist skills by taking an MA in Professional writing. My optimism paints a brand new world of midnight skies and stars to wish upon, while I dig up stories made from forgotten buried bones.

Building stories in fiction, poetry, the beginning of my novel and now a film has been empowering and life affirming. I cannot explain to you why I have been weeping to myself on and off for the last two weeks, or maybe I can.

I am exhausted.

Proper tired.

This year, 2015,  in my work life I have set up new projects, completed old ones, directed a play, scattered seeds of inspiration generously and with pleasure. Yet I am still chasing invoices, waiting for cheques, looking at my bank balance. All while deciding my own time table, being my own champion, marketing, receipt stacking, tax form completing, feeding children, doing school pick-ups, being ill but pretending I’m not, still speaking and not hiding from the long lists that spiral out of every cupboard.

Being self motivated all the time is shrinking me, it’s like I had a huge amount of motivation, like a mountain and I have chipped and chipped away at it. I have taken it for granted, danced on it until not it’s not a mountain – not even a small hill – not a rock –  or even a pebble, I think now it might be a grain of sand. Very soon that grain of sand might blow away in the wind and that will be it. Motivation completely gone. Then what? Well I figure I have a comfy sofa and a telly so maybe my real destiny is not in writing at all or theatre, in fact, stuff the arts completely. Maybe my absolute future me is just going to watch daytime TV and eat as many doughnuts as I can possibly fit in my mouth. Or I could see how still I could lie in bed for as many days as possible. These ideas are so much better than any other idea I have had for my entire freelancing life.

So there you have it. The truth behind the mask, I am just moonlighting as an MA writing freelancing mother. My real life path is now set for ever and ever, doing nothing, except eating and sleeping…

Well…

Until…

The…

Next…

Idea.

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